Journal Entry: "Ship Day”

I’m actually writing these first few entries together after a couple of days because I just got a flashlight so I can write after lights out. It’s not as fresh as I’d like it to be but it’s something.
“Ship Out” was one of the most difficult days of my life by far. Being a pretty chill guy as things go, and considering my level of motivation and the high-mindedness of my ‘mission’, I shocked myself with panicked thoughts of a sudden and very real desire to get out of this by any means necessary. I was thinking about which ache or pain I could magnify into a full blown handicap or what they would do if I staged a sit-in or a hunger strike or started dressing like Corporal Klinger! Anything! My mind was screaming, “Just get me out of here!” I can now say that I now have glimpsed that fear and anxiety that holds back the hearts of men that secretly yearn for rich and full lives but resign themselves to lives of quiet desperation. The sudden sense of total loss of control is profound. The great unknown lies ahead like a dark and treacherous path on the once open (if not narrow) road of life. I can see why so many recruits lose it. I’m amazed more do not, actually. It is openly hostile and the sleep deprivation can make the most resolute have wild and dark thoughts.